Hi there, I’m Antoinette, I hope you’re having a good day as you read this. If you’re having a bad day, perhaps my story will encourage you or make your day a tad better. My testimony isn’t grand; I wasn’t cured of some incurable disease or made a millionaire overnight. But I believe the greatest miracle I received is Jesus, who saved my soul from eternal damnation.
I was born a Christian and grew up in church, but I didn’t know Jesus personally until I was 30 years old. I was never a problematic child; I was too independent for my own good, always getting good grades, earning scholarships, attending the university I desired, and landing the job I wanted.
Somewhere in my teenage years, I slowly decided that I no longer believed in Jesus. To me, he was like Santa Claus, something I believed in only as a child. I got baptized in the Holy Spirit and spoke in tongues before. But deep down, I questioned all of it because I didn’t know WHO Jesus was to me. I knew Him from what I HEARD from others — pastors, parents — but I didn’t truly know Him. I had many unanswered questions.
During university abroad, exposed to the world for the first time, I saw that people outside the church were good, some even nicer than the so-called Christians I knew. I questioned God even more. If I’m good, never killing, stealing, or doing horrible things, will I still go to hell? That seemed unfair. What kind of God is that? So mean and monstrous. What about my good friends who don’t go to church or don’t believe in Him? Are they going to hell? What about the innocent children in war, the homeless, the powerless, and all the problems in the world? Are all these good people going to burn eternally? No, not a chance for me to believe in such a horrible God.
Long story short, my heart was broken as a young woman. It took me moving to a whole other continent, alone, starting from the bottom, with depression and suicidal thoughts (and attempts). Life obliterated me, but in God’s sovereignty, He allowed it. I questioned why I should pray. I saw many prayers unanswered. I prayed for my grandma to be healed, but she passed away while I was not home. In the past, my faithful aunt prayed for my uncle to live, but he passed too. I accused Jesus of all the horrible things I could think of. Why did he let all these sufferings and miseries befall good people?
I probably have more in common with an atheist than a believer. To this day, I have many questions that I keep asking Jesus, and in His ultimate patience, He is slowly explaining them to me. When I had no one in Italy, depressed, starting over from having everything to nothing, Jesus was there for me. He sustained me, prevented me from taking my life, and stopped me from acting on intrusive thoughts.
By His grace and mercy, the God I hated so much was there for me. He started to change my heart, and I began to see that deep down, I’m not the good person I used to think I was. Jesus came when I needed Him the most, to say, “I love you, daughter.” From that day onward, my life took a turn. It’s not easy; my life was way easier and smoother when I wasn’t a believer.
But I pray nothing will ever make me forsake my Savior. I used to dream of Prince Charming as a little kid, and I found mine. This one even died for me even though I hated Him. He is faithful when I am not. Although I swayed and doubted Him from time to time, He kept me close, and for that, I am eternally grateful.
I pray that my life will be a testimony, that when people look at me, they see Jesus. I still love my non-believer friends so much, and I ask Jesus daily to please speak to them. I can’t preach to them because that was the last thing I would do; I myself hate being preached to. I can only share my story, and they know it. The rest is up to God. I believe that all these lovely people I’ve met in my life will be saved. If Jesus can reach my heart, which I closed shut for years, deliberately, He can do that for my friends and you too!
I don’t think I can abandon my love for the world. Up until today, my heart goes out to people outside of church, people like me before. But the best I can do is let Jesus work on my character and my life so I can be His best representative on earth. I can’t even begin to express the good things He has done in my life. Even my breath is a gift. If I open my eyes every day, it’s a gift. He let the world crush my heart of stone and gave me a new heart. I pray you will let Him do the wonderful work in your heart and let Him in. I promise, even if it’s not easy, it’s worth it.
If you’re in a difficult spot in your life, talk to Jesus, as you would to a friend. In my journey to know Him, I can tell you that my prayers often sound like complaints, monologue or just tears. And that’s ok, He knows you, He hears you, He forgives you, He is there for you. Above all, He loves you.
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